Of Life Without You, Until You
by Maxwell Lily
Summary: Jung tells them her name is Seol. She's polite and bows before them, and the King can't stop smiling, thinking about Hae Soo and her early days in court.


Jung tells them her name is Seol.

She's polite and bows before them, and the King can't stop smiling, thinking about Hae Soo and her early days in court. Baek Ah all but steals her away, eager to show her all the beautiful flowers in the palace and to play with her. Jung lets them, even if a part of him wants to hold her back, but when her laughter is heard, he feels more at ease. The palace is full of bad memories but it is also a place where good memories happened. He remembers Eun, and maybe so does Baek Ah, because he gives her toys so reminiscent of the ones Eun used to like.

Gwangjong can barely focus on anything while she's there. He thinks about leaving to see her so many times, thinks about what it would be like to just stand up and leave, but on that day, on that specific day, he's needed like he's never been needed before. When he's finally done, the freedom makes him apprehensive. Gwangjong is scared of a little girl more than he's ever been scared of anyone in his life. Scared of how she could see him, scared of holding her and having to let her go. He hasn't had the desire to be liked in such a long time, he had almost forgotten what it felt like. And it's because of her, it's always been her, it'll always be her. This little sprout of life she left behind, this precious jewel she barely had the time to hold in her arms.

 _I'll look after her for you, Soo._

He finds her at the Damiwon. Baek Ah had planned it, of course he had, despite everything, there is love in his heart for his brother. The King is overcome with emotion but he steadies himself, he counts the steps until he's beside her, until he's sitting with her, as she plays in the royal bath with boats. The court ladies watching her leave when he arrives, and he swears he can see her among them, her small back retreating to give them this moment. She's always given him so much and he gave her so little.

He looks at Seol and asks if she likes the palace. She nods before she looks at him, and then she pauses. The king raises his eyebrows at her.

"What's wrong?"

"I've seen you before," she says.

"Yes, we've met once. You bumped into me."

She shakes her head, precious hair flipping around.

"I've seen you at home."

The king tilts his head, confused.

"My mother drew pictures of you."

His smile falters slightly. He can feel his heart racing, but he can't let it show, not now, not next to the child.

"There was also a picture of a man with a mask."

His fingers move on their own. He reaches out and lets his hair fall freely, running his hands through it until it resembles the hairstyle he used to wear when he still needed a mask. He's not Gwangjong anymore but Wang So, smiling down at the child he knows is his own, his and hers, and his heart bursts in his chest when she smiles back.

"Something like this?"

"Yes!"

He pets her hair when he loses her attention. He's no one to her, it'll be a while before she even knows what a king is and she has no reason to look at him, to look up to him. But that moment, just that moment when he can touch her, is more than he ever expected to do. _She's all you, Soo,_ he thinks, taking in her eyes and her cheeks and her lips, her hair, everything, everything is Soo. He tells her she can come by whenever she wants and she nods but the words stuck in his throat are _never leave._ He can't say it. He can hear Soo in his head, her plea, and he only wished he could beg her, _please, please let me be with her,_ but he doesn't, he has no right anymore. So he just pets her, basks in her innocence, dropping the mask of Gwangjong. _This is me_ , he says without words, in the one place in the palace where Hae Soo came to be. _I'm Wang So._

His fingers trace the delicate drawings on her urn that night, and he allows himself to cry. Away from Yeon Hwa and everything she represented, alone, he cries for the life he wished he could have led. He cries so he doesn't have to cry anymore, not when she visits the next time, so he can watch over her with unclouded eyes, without hurt or sorrow, only pride. His pride as her father, his pride at her existence.

Jung brings her again, over the years, and he notices. When she grows up, he notices. He hadn't seen it before, but he learns to see; how her nose looks like his, and her eyes. As she slowly climbs the steps to womanhood, he sees himself in her eyes. A vague loneliness. There is happiness in her smile, but it's also there, deep inside, and he knows. _You miss her too._

After Ji Mong leaves, there's no one to join him in stargazing, but still he goes. He looks up at the stars and he wishes they would bring her back to talk to him. "Seol is beautiful," he tells the night sky, the sky of Goryeo, with the stars you could only see in Goryeo. He wishes he could teach Seol about the constellations but so many years had passed and he still hadn't learned. Not from Ji Mong, not from Soo, because every time he was with one of them, his mind was elsewhere. A happy place, a happy palace of his very own. "I wish you were here," he says and he's lost count of how many times he's already said it.

There's a part of him, a part of him that couldn't be killed by any emotional wound, that hopes she's in a better place. Alive and happy, like she wanted to be. A different part of him, not so unlike the first, hopes she'll wait for him there. Hopes she still feels as she did in her letters, hopes she'll accept him with open arms, and then they can live together. All three of them.

It's that image in his mind that keeps him going while everything around him crumbles down. _I'm sorry I can't be a good father in this life, Seol._ There's so much to be done, so much he has to do. No one he could trust. Gwangjong lived and Wang So struggled inside him, violently, ideals scattered around him like broken glass.

"This is Seol," Jung introduces her. She bows down, her first visit to the palace. There's so much to learn about her, her favorite things, all the things that made her happy.

He smiles.

Remembers the way Hae Soo looked when snow fell around the two of them, a long, long time ago.

His happy place. A palace of his very own.

 _Until we meet again._


End file.
